Milwaukee Women Leaders Association Chapter Meeting: Assertive vs. Aggressive

[Music] and thank you for being with us. Thank you for having me. Hello everyone. I see people bouncing into the chat and introducing themselves. That is just wonderful. I am tuning in this morning or I guess it would be this afternoon for a lot of you from Palm Desert, California. I'm right outside Palm Springs. I did spend 10 years in Wisconsin prior to moving out here during CO. So, I miss Wisconsin so much. Uh especially during the lovely summers. Um it is supposed I think we have a heat advisory here today which means it's probably going to reach 115. So, I am in the coolest room in my home. What happens to be my son's since he is has decided to stay at college this summer. I'm kind of sad it's the first summer he hasn't come home, but it is the coolest room in the house. And as you can see over my shoulder here, I've got the Badger. We've got uh a lot of Wisconsin uh icons here on his poster. So, I'm feeling right at home. And again, thank you so much for everybody who is joining us. Looks like we've got about 70 people on the line and and it just keeps ticking up. Well, thank you so much for your time today and we have your slides pulled up, so take it away. Okay, ladies. I know we talk about it in little conversations in little groups. Um, I would say around the water cooler, but I don't think those exist many places anymore. probably thanks to co and Stanley and everybody else who markets the big water uh bottles for themselves because now that's a whole another thing. So let's say we talk about it holding our waters. We some women are just too assertive, too aggressive, we say. Let me just start this by saying we are all here on this earth to support each other. We're not here to take other women down. I cannot stand what is going on in the WNBA right now if you're following that. Um, I'm a huge Caitlyn Clark fan because I was in Iowa for a time. So, just a little background, I'm a former news anchor and reporter. I started my career in my home state of North Dakota. Then I moved to North Carolina, picked up a boyfriend, uh moved to Florida, got married to that boyfriend, had a couple kids, then moved to Iowa, and I was there for six years prior to moving to Wisconsin when I got out of television and decided this is really what I want to do. I I love doing these type of presentations and I wish I could be there in person. Um and then I had another child because I felt like, oh, my life wasn't busy enough. Um, and then during COVID, we decided to follow my husband's career, which led us down here to California. So, I have worked with my share of women. My husband has worked with my share of women. And I think that we both agree and hopefully you all agree that we need to support each other. We need to support each other more. If you have not heard this already, empowered women empower women. I actually have it on a t-shirt. probably should have worn it today. But what we're going to talk about a little bit more is our language that can help us to be identified as assertive and not aggressive. So after this session, uh Ginger in the next slide will give us our goals. After this session, you are going to be able to learn how to be assertive through your attitude, through your body language, and through your verbal language. what actually comes out of your mouth. And how many out there know that we can control what comes out of our mouth? Just put it in the chat. Yes, I I am a believer. I can control. I have a filter. Uh sometimes my filter comes down slower than other times, which then I usually regret it. And it is uh not a good situation to be in because I feel really badly that I said something I probably shouldn't have said. Um we're not perfect. Um, but you will learn a little bit more how to restrain yourself. That's the goal. Learn specific techniques for saying no and coping with criticism and accepting compliments and voicing your needs. So, Jinger, if we can put that slide up just so if anybody is more of a visual learner. There you go. This is what we are going to be learning for the next I think I've got about 2530 minutes. So, it's going to be a fast ride. you're going to learn a lot of things and you'll be able to um refer to any of this as well. So here is a model. The next slide will show you that this is a model that I want everyone to remember. It is super easy to remember because the acronym for it is stop. So if we can show that slide that would be great and we'll let you know what happens. Let's see what do we have. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react. Very nice Monica and very true. Boy is that true. So the first thing we have to do when we are faced with a situation that requires us to respond or you you know I actually get kind of a facial reaction when something upsets me like I almost you know it's like my face kind of tightens up. Um, some people it might be their hands or their their spine or their their head or you know they make fists or they make some and they're just like oh you know I want to just fight back on this or I want to say something and we have to stop. We have to stop. I know coaches, executive coaches, which is what I do a lot of now. They have made a career out of teaching people how to stop, how to pause, how to take a breath because what we say can either catapult or collapse our career. Sometimes just a couple words out of our mouth and we're done. So, we really have to stop, take a breath. That's why the next word is take. My my youngest is on the autism spectrum and we tell ourselves that he's going to keep us young or kill us. But he is the most amazing kid I've ever met. And I've had to learn how to communicate all over again. And one thing that he had to learn and one thing that I continue to learn as as an adult is to stop and take a breath. When he learned it, it was smell the flowers and blow out the candle. So, there's been one or two times when mom is on the phone and he will literally tap me on the shoulder and go because he knows I'm talking to someone, I'm getting kind of pent up about it. Maybe it's, you know, my credit card was charged three times for something or whatever it is. And and he's so right. And I always tell him, if you can learn this as a 14-year-old, you are so far ahead of the game because there are adults that don't know how to do this. So, what we have to think of once we've taken that time to stop, take a breath, what are we feeling in this situation, what are we going to say? What will our future self not be embarrassed of us saying? What will our grandmother in heaven look down on us and be like, "Way to go. You handled that correctly." I mean, if you're like me, a hundred different thoughts are going through your head in literally seconds when I respond. And my best response is, you know, um I can't um can we talk about this later? Or I would be happy to make time for this later and so I can make sure I have the time to focus on whatever your complaint may be, whatever the situation is, you know, the teacher you don't like, what whatever you want to complain about to me. Um I want to focus. I want to be a good listener and I just can't do that right now. And it also gives the other person a chance to kind of regroup their thoughts. Uh for example, I had put together an event like this, but it was in person, hundreds of people attending, a bunch of different speakers. So Ginger, I know you can relate to this. Um and someone came up to me the very next morning when you're literally running on fumes. I know there's a lot of leaders out there listening. And I know you've probably done events or had some big activity where the next day you are like barely there. You're on a high, but then again you're you're you're barely there. And she came up to me. She goes, "I just want to tell you about one of the speakers." Yes. And just starts going off. And I I just said, you know, if I just need probably about 24 hours to digest everything that just happened and then I I'll be happy to talk to you. Um I don't know if you were just having a bad day. I've gotten a lot of positive feedback about that speaker, but can can we regroup and talk about this tomorrow? Um, and of course then they're deflated already because what they're looking for is kind of a fight, right? Like they want you to defend, oh, that's not true. He was great and I, you know, they want they're coming at you um to make you defensive. And we have to be more mature and more assertive and just say, you know what, I'm not talking about that right now. Um, I I do appreciate your opinion. I'd love to hear it, but you know, walking be to my son to school the next morning is not the time to have this conversation, but I let's connect later. Gives me time to cool down as well, right? So, the thing is that we can respect our rights and our opinion and not get walked over and we can also respect theirs, right? So, let's keep this model in mind. You stop, you take a breath, you organize your thoughts, then you perform. Perform, then you project, then you share your opinion, then you're going to feel so much better. This is not like a five minute process. Literally, you're looking at 30 seconds, okay? Or maybe even 15 seconds. Everybody has that amount of time to be able to control their responses. You really do. taking a breath, taking some time. Let's talk about next the assertive elements that make us assertive and not aggressive. On the next screen, I'll show you that it really matters about your attitude. You have to believe in yourself. I knew that I did a good job and my volunteer staff and I was a volunteer as well. We did a good job. Um, I'm not going to let somebody like that, as I like to say, take rent in my head, make me feel like I didn't do a good job because maybe they had a bad day. Maybe they didn't want to go. Maybe their husband complained that it was awful, so they felt the need. They had to share that with me. I believe I did a good job. And we all should believe in ourselves enough to stand up for our decisions, even if we made a wrong one. you know, even if I didn't think that the speaker was any good at all, then I could have stood up and said, "You know what? If I had to do it again, I probably wouldn't uh have chose him, but let's talk about this later." You know, but that wasn't the case. But even if it was, you need to believe in yourself. Otherwise, we kind of hour and we're like, "Oh, I know. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you didn't like it." You know, I'm sorry volunteers put in 500 hours over the last year and you just didn't like it. you know, we get all like, you know, small. Don't make yourself small for anybody else, especially when you believe in yourself, okay? Which you all should. There's nobody who talks to yourself more than you do. So, the things you say to yourself are that you did a good job. You put the work in. You deserve any accolades you get. And if people want to complain, let them. Just let them. But don't let it affect you or who you are for sure. Okay? Have that body language. Have that eye contact, the tone. Um, you know, don't let your voice get all I'm going to put a big face in my voice and I'm going to, you know, get all in your face and move forward and just be assertive. There's a physical difference there between assertive and aggressive. and your choice of words. Please don't swear. I know people think it's funny or they think, well, I they know I'm serious when I start dropping fbombs. Haha. And I'm, you know, it's it is unprofessional. And then sometimes, if not most the time, it's the thing that somebody latches on to when they share the story. Then they'll say, "Oh, I just went up to her to just give my opinion and all of a sudden she's swearing at me and cussing at me." And you know, had you not said that, you really wouldn't be in as deep a water, especially if you're doing it in a professional environment. And I have asked this question before just like in polls. Um, if people appreciate that if their bosses, you know, use foul language at work. And I've had some people go, "Oh, you're such a prude. Why would that be a big deal? I can't believe you're making this an issue, Ann. Oh, come on. You know, everybody talks like that. And I can't control what people do. Well, none of us can. I'm just telling you, when you get upset, please try not to swear. It just looks bad on you. And then when you are confronted with the situation from somebody else, that's what they're going to say. That's what they're going to mention while you were swearing at her. Yes. Jenny says it's violent sounding, too. I couldn't agree more. Again, probably have some people out there who disagree with me, but this is my stage for about the next uh 15 20 minutes. So, please don't do it. And it's immature. You're exactly right, Joyce. Okay. So, here's some strategies that we're going to go over quickly. On the next screen, I will run down what they are and then we will briefly talk about each of them. So, as we look at the screen, it shows you the strategies. I message, broken record, confirmation, negative acceptance, probing, compliments, and saying no. Let's go to the first one. I message state your feelings on how you feel. It's going to say you're going to say, well, I has anybody out there been through counseling, you'll see this or or listen to any of it. The first assertive strategy is iMessage. And we do have a screen for all of these, Ginger. So the first one is state your feelings or reactions by saying I feel because you know what nobody can take that away from you. The days of someone saying oh you shouldn't be upset or this shouldn't bother you or why are you mad no big deal. You know what I I can't tell someone else what bothers them or what doesn't bother them. So if someone says,"I feel attacked when you're talking about my husband or I feel attacked when you're talking about the school I go to," then I need to if that's not my intention, I got to backpedal. I've already, you know, they they've been pretty clear. They've been assertive. So I could have really said, "I feel a little bit attacked because you're, you know, talking about a speaker that I hired." And then hopefully that person would have stood back and realized what they were saying. But I I took a different way but this is just an example. Or they can say when you raise your voice at me I feel unrespected when because you are you know showing up late it makes me feel disrespected. You're using a consequence like because you do this I feel like this. And you can always just ask for a solution. Can you possibly uh hold these calls at a different time? I I hate you know rushing into it and I really want to be there to listen. So, can you possibly schedule these for another time is a lot more assertive than I hate that you schedule these first thing in the morning. It's so hard to be here. But you're saying the same thing, right? You are saying the same thing. All right, let's go on to the next one. We have the broken record. This is like stick to your point by repeating it. You don't have to dwell on it. You don't have to give lengthy excuses. Uh my brother-in-law used to do this all the time. He would we would ask him something and he'd say, "I just I don't want to do it." And then someone say, "Well, come on. It's going to be fun. We're just going to go hiking. You know, it's it will only be gone a half hour. I don't want to do it. And then he somebody else would say something. Well, why don't you want to? It's a good family thing to I don't want to do it. I mean, he was very much assertive. Now, most women, and I'm assuming almost all of us, if not all of us are women on this call, feel like we have to add to the excuse every time. So, initially, we'd say, "Oh, I don't want to." And then someone else would say something. We'd say, "Yeah, I don't want to. You know, I don't have good shoes." And then the next person would say, "Well, you could come." Yeah, I don't want to, but I get hot. I mean, we just feel compelled to do it when really if we stand our ground, then it's very important that the other people respect that. Um, a lot of that is, you know, especially during the summer, like my my husband doesn't drink at all and he he's good at this cuz he'll just be like, "No thanks." And then somebody's like, "Ah, come on, loosen up or whatever." And he'll just go, "No thanks." Where then if I don't if I'm choosing not to drink, I'm like, "No." And then they're like, "Sure, just are you sure you don't want one?" I'm like, "No, I no I got to wake up tomorrow." And then I feel like I have to make excuses and then they keep coming at you because they're like, "Oh, she's trying to think of a reason she can't do this." So, try and remain the broken record as best you can. All right, let's go to confirming. This is the next slide. And this is important. Um, it does grant us uh people find it respectable. Uh, they admire us for doing this. So, as you look at uh criticism, you don't have to be defensive. Okay? You can agree to the part that you're right. Um, and I always tell people if you do that, then you're already holding yourself accountable because when somebody comes at us about anything, they want us to, you know, say we're sorry, hold ourselves accountable, you know, make it sound like they're the best and we are horrible, you know, um, and they come at you and you say, "Okay, I will admit um that, you know, I I didn't know enough about the subject matter before voicing my opinion. However, my opinion still remains the same that I don't think, you know, we should be spending on money money on that project. You know, you can agree to the part that you want to take accountability for, but at the same time, hold firm to what you do believe. You know, I mean, I I've served on a lot of boards. I'm guessing with the leadership that's attending this today, there's a lot of you that do the same. or you help coach your kids' teams or you're a manager or a brownie leader or the number of boosters or music or what all of us women do today. All the different hats we wear, which is why I think it's cute that I have all the hats over here for my son. Um, we do so many things that we run into different kinds of conflicts all the time, if not daily, depending on how involved we are. And so we need to say and be held accountable for the things that we do do. It doesn't mean they're wrong. It just means we're we are admitting to that part of it. Okay. The next one, negative acceptance. Assertively accept those things that are negative about ourselves. This is just a tiny one on the next slide, Ginger. We can accept the things much like the confirmation that we had but we also know the things about ourselves. You know I am probably an oversharer and I'm very disclosing. Um when people come to me though they know that I'm going to give them an honest opinion. It's it's always my entire life after I was in television and I decided to go into coaching and be an executive coach and a keynote speaker and a trainer. Some of the information I was looking into would say, "Are you somebody that people come to for answers has it always been that way?" I mean, ever since I was really little, it would be like, "Ann, what do you think we should do?" Um, and so I know that I probably get too involved in things more than I should. I'm not good at saying no. So, you're going to have to do what I say, not what I do. Um, but I am getting a lot better. I am getting a lot better. I'm I'm evolving. I'm a lifelong learner. We all are. But we know ourselves. Um, so if somebody's saying something like I heard the other I help coach basketball, girls basketball, and I heard the other day and someone said to a parent and the parent told me, "Yeah, they said that you're you you're a little bit, excuse me if you're saying this, they said you're a little [ __ ] when it comes to coaching." And I was like, "Oh, okay. Well, you know what? I don't like that word. That wasn't accepted well by me. But I guess if they were on the other side of the court and the ref made a bad call and if I said Yeah. Yeah. Probably did sound that way. It probably did. So if you know, I mean, I'm not going to I can't go chase down the rumors. That's all I'd be doing every day, right? I don't care what people say about me. I really don't. The only person that matters to me is me. And what people other people say about me, if you've heard this before, is really none of my business because what am I supposed to do about it, you know? I h I surround myself with people who I know will stick up for me when I'm not in the room. Okay, so the friend she told was like, "No, you've got it all wrong. She's just very passionate and very competitive. You know, she used to play in college. She's very competitive." And then the woman was like, "Oh, well, yeah, that makes sense." You know, I'm not a timid woman. I'm never been. Never been. So, I know that about myself. Let's go to the next one, Bridget. Make sure we get them all in here. Um, we talk about probing. Probing is assertive. It can be assertive um in our language and our body language as well. So, it's one of those things where if we're going to uh I could have asked the woman that was complaining about the speaker and to continue the conversation in somewhat of a mellow tone or to downplay it a little bit. The best way to do that is to ask questions. Okay, remember this. questions always come across softer than statements. Why is that? Here's an example. As she's complaining about the speaker, I look at her and say, "What was it that you didn't like about him?" Or, "Was it just the length of the speech?" As opposed to, "He did a good job. I don't know why anybody wouldn't like him." Right? It's just the softer approach. It lets the person realize that you are interested in knowing. You are giving them their platform, but at the same time, you're not just feeling the need to defend yourself and the conversation can go a lot smoother. Trust me, it will. The next one, compliments. Um, we have to be better at this. We're talking about all the negative things, but we also need to know how to accept a compliment. If I say to you, and I challenge everybody on this call today, you need to compliment one person today. At least one person, not a family member. So, I don't know if you're running to the store or if you're working at home and that's the only chance you have, then you're going to find somebody at the store, whether it's some the cashier or whoever it is, and you're going to say, "You know what? I you know, I just want to let you know I really appreciated your help today." Or, "I just heard how friendly you were to that customer. That's really nice." you know, whatever it might be, it makes you feel better. It makes them feel better. And when you get a compliment, say thank you. Don't be like, a well, I don't know. I don't know. You know, this old thing I've worn this for, you know, say thank you. Be proud of yourself and really let them know that you appreciated because you're both getting that energy off of that. You have just it's so easy and say, "Thank you. I appreciate that. I oftentimes make calls. Um I'm doing some recruiting for a law firm right now and I'll call and I'll ask, you know, hi, how are you today? And they'll say, great, how are you? And I'll be like, I'm great. Thank you for asking. Like I'm almost surprised somebody asked because usually they're like, hello. And they're not engaging. So, it is hard. I know Jessica is saying it's hard. It's one of the hardest things to learn. But it you can smile and you can say thank you and all of a sudden you've had this really great interaction that before might have been kind of awkward because you really weren't sure how to take the compliment. Okay. Uh another screen. The last one that we talked about saying no. This is one of our assertive models. I did tell you I'm not very good at this. So, what I like to do and what this could be life-changing for a lot of you, I promise, is to buy yourself some time. So, how do we do this? Well, we blame everything on my husband. That's what I do. But if somebody will come and say, "Can you do this on Friday?" or "I need a volunteer for this," or, "Can you pick up my son late?" or "Do you mind helping with this?" or "Can we switch work schedules?" I will usually, if it sounded reasonable, I'd be like, "Oh, yeah. I'm sure I can do it. We'll figure it out." And then I would go home and I'd look at my schedule. I'd realize I couldn't do it. I'd start crying because I'm like all stressed out now. I can't do this. So, what am I going to do? You know, I I would be just at a loss. And my husband would come home and say, "Well, why did you agree to do it?" Which is the wrong thing to say. And I'll be like, "I don't know. I just was trying to be nice. I figured I could do it. And I've got another commitment. I'm going to have to change that. I don't do that anymore. I always ask or say, "Well, let me check with my husband. Let me check with our schedule." Or I'll say, "One of my favorites is when do you need to know?" Because if they say just by the end of the week, then I have some time to think about it. I mean, and I'm going to take that time no matter what because it is that important. This is a stressor. This is a huge stressor. If we say no when we can't do something, it piles on so much stress in our lives that we don't even realize it. So, we need to pay good attention to this slide in particular. Is the is the request reasonable after you've thought about it? Do you want to do it? I mean, do you even want to do it? Can you do it? Um, if it's something you're not comfortable doing, do you you know, maybe that's something. And then when you can't, you say no. And if we were in person, we would all practice and I would hear you saying no. But you would say no. And you don't have to over apologize. This goes back to the broken record. If you say no, well, you know, no, I have something else that morning. Then somebody else will chime in and be like, well, is that something you could change? You know, you just get piled on. You can say no and then thank you for the opportunity. That's right. Um that just popped up in the chat. No. My favorite um what I like to use is no, but thank you for asking. I I appreciate you thinking of me and then I leave it at that and then sometimes I'll if I want to do it and I and I really cannot do it, I would say no, but please ask again. Please ask again. I I would love to help. I just can't do it. And I know there were some questions that came in on the chat, but they disappear quickly, but we're going to get to those because now is the time for me to summarize my session. Um, it's the final screen and then we I will get to some chat questions as quickly as I can before my time runs out. I'm going to read this word for word because it's that important to hear it. Okay? So, those of you who are my auditory learners, this will help you as well. Be assertive in the face of aggressiveness. You will feel better about yourself and know that you did the best you could with the situation. This will increase your self your confidence and self-respect. The lack of mature communication with the aggressive person now becomes his or her problem, not yours. When someone comes to you aggressively, you be assertive. You hold your own. You ask for time to think about it. You say, "No, I can't do it." You whatever the situation presents itself, and you will be more confident. You'll have more self-respect. and you'll be a more assertive, not aggressive person. So, that wraps up my portion of the presentation and getting this whole day of fun going. I would you like me to just answer the questions, Ginger, or do you want to pull some out? What is your opinion on that? Maybe she's not miked up anymore in the chat. And I can also moderate, too. So, um, maybe we'll go with the one that came in at the end. I know there's a lot to kind of scroll through. And Zoe's question was also, if anybody would like to ask a live question, you can just hit that raise hand and I can unmute you. But we'll go with this question from Zoe that says, "How can I say no in a business environment? I'm up for I'm up for a promotion, but I'm also overwhelmed." That is a very good question, Zoe. I would probably want to know a little bit more like are you um are you a supervisor? Are you are you under a lot of people and now you're getting promoted? But we can save that for another day. Generally, I would use priorities when and saying no. So if somebody at work is asking you to do something, my opinion has always been that we need to ask the question back like as one of the opportunities, right? one of the assertive skills and say, "Okay, I want to let you know that um I am supposed to get this paperwork to legal by 5:00 and uh this other situation um is, you know, on fire and I've got to go talk to somebody about that. Would you like this to take priority?" Don't say you won't do it, but just say, "Would you like this to take priority or um I'm just looking for guidance. I want to make sure we're all on the same page." because then it makes the other person accountable and realizing that you've got a lot going on. And a lot of times what you'll find is that person will say, "Oh, I can have somebody else take care of that paperwork for legal." Yeah, no, I need you to do this now. I mean, whatever it is, our employers, our supervisors don't read minds. I mean, I'm glad they can't, right? But they don't read minds. So, a lot of times they're not even keeping up with their own schedule. let alone everything they've assigned to you. So ask the questions, see if that helps. Um if you have any further questions, please reach out to me. I think that our uh contact information is made available or you can find me through my website uh ancurrien.com. Yeah. And we'll follow up with a um we'll follow up with a kind of a similar question. How do you say no to a casual friend who keeps inviting you to events that are far away or you have no interest? I can only handle this person in small bites, but I also don't want to hurt her feelings. Yes. Okay. Well, I guess the first question as we look at that screen about saying no, do you really not ever want to go? It sounds like you can handle them in small do doses. Do you want to keep them as a friend? I mean, if you do them, pick and choose and try to go to one, you know, and then just say, I know I'm so busy, but I, you know, I can go to the one in July cuz I have a friend out here. I don't know if this is a Wisconsin thing, but there are Botox parties all over the place and um she has them all the time and keeps asking me why I'm not coming. Like, I think she thinks I need it really, really bad. and I'm kind of scared and I don't really want to go in that environment. And so I've just told her that. I've just been very honest and I've just said, you know, I really am not comfortable coming to a house to do that and I'm kind of a wimp and all that. And so she's like, well, if you feel like it, you could just come watch. So, I mean, if it's that bad that you don't really want to go and you're just uncomfortable, maybe you need to look at the root of why. I mean, is this, you know, is this person is is not somebody you want to even, you know, associate with? Um, don't go. I I mean, because then you're going to be mad at yourself that you went and you're going to be like, I can't believe I talked myself into this or I drove all the way here. I spent all the money on the airplane. I mean, I am to the age now, and I think a lot of us are, that um if people are bringing more drama into my life than they are happiness, I I really have to keep a distance. And if that means me saying no constantly for them to get the hint, I'm fine doing that. So, it really depends on how you feel. If you don't want to go, you don't you want to keep your distance, don't go. If you want to keep a friendship, you probably need to think about finding a time to fit it in. I hope that helps. Yeah, that's great advice. All I think we have time for maybe one more question. And everyone, Ann's going to stick around for our panel today, too. Let me see what else is coming in our chat. And thank you everyone for the fantastic comments. And we're gonna go with one that came in kind of earlier in your presentation, and we kind of talked about it a little bit in the chat, but somebody said, "I do not Aurelia says, "I do not accept compliments." Well, someone will give me a compliment and my reply is negative. How do I learn to accept compliments? Or how did you learn to accept compliments? Well, I'm the same. I mean, most of us are the same way, right? Because we were a as uh you know, we we don't want to brag about ourselves. You know, somebody says, "Oh, I love that dress." We don't want to be like, "I know. Doesn't it look great on me?" Yes. I mean, I think I look hot today. I mean, we don't do that. That's awkward. That feels weird. So it is a good transition between being that kind of aggressive and just being assertive and give I look at them and I make eye contact and I really mean it and I say thank you that was really nice because thank you itself seems like a very short question very short answer but that's kind of what people say you should just say thank you but I still feel like I have to say something else so I'll be like thank you that made my day or thank you I really I really appreciate that. Um, you know, it's like when someone compliments you on your hair and it's always the day before you have it scheduled to get it cut or colored. You're like, "Thank you. I was just going to get a cut. Maybe I won't now." You know, I mean, I feel like I always have to throw in a little bit. Um, but if it's kind of an awkward like somebody doesn't you don't know them or stranger just comes up and says, "Hey, you like those shoes?" I'll just go, "Thanks." That's it. Try to make sure thank you or thanks or something is the first thing out of your mouth and you'll be just fine. That's great advice. Well, as we wrap on this topic and before I move on to our panel discussion, do you have any final thoughts or words of wisdom for all of our attendees today? Oh gosh, I'm just so happy that um people joined and I hope I know there's some that had to maybe hop off. I hope they'll listen to the recording because there are a lot of great panelists and another great keynote coming up and you can do this all from the comfort of your home. I just I really want women to empower women. Um I I want to support each other as best we can and otherwise it just makes us all look bad. It look makes it look like we can't be civil to each other. So if you learned anything today, it's uh empowered women, empower women and go out and compliment somebody. Well, thank you so much.